Out of Abstraction:

Room erupts in laughter.

D. Swan: I don’t have to explain it further. But, if someone nodded their head at me, and I … and they’re like … y’all get it. And that’s who I need to, get it. And not everyone needs to try to understand what I’m trying to say. And I think that’s when I’m like I came to that “smart enough, thoughtful enough, strong enough” thing. Because we are thoughtful enough and we are smart enough, and it’s not our job to make sure or to prove that to anyone else. You know?

Umoja: The bitterness, the bitterness.

The room erupts in laughter

Someone says mmmmmmm

Laughter fills the room

Participants make mmmmm sound.

D. Swan: I’m going to go do my dream, my job, you don’t know me. You don’t know what I’m trying to do with this.

The room fills with laughter.

(Amaral, 2019b, p. 8)

A said the community can smell fear and hesitation, which could mean be assertive or confident instead. Which was funny considering “How to act in the unknown”, was to get familiar.

“Fake it till you make it” A said.

(A. Winters, personal communication, February 19, 2020)

We feel sad, and a little guilty, but

We wanted to fight the school

And then we made us want to fight the school

And then we were tired

And then we were sad

And then we was tired

And then we thought about how

This couldn't be another space where we were reminded of our commodified existence

So we changed it up

And our friends came to visit

And shared their skills

And we became a group

And then the money ran out

And they took away our space

So now we exist

In a group chat

We feel sad, and a little guilty, but

we get agitated thinking about it now.

we run into members every once in the while

we all stay in touch

But mostly we confess our capacity.

And whose capacity should be tested? Is tested? Is questioned?

Your candle-making, dog-petting, aromatherapy sessions are sad attempts to disappear the language for our anger, and distract us from holding you accountable for our demise¹

I wanted to strangle the guide as if he were the original guide. It took all my will.

(Brand, 2017, p. 43)

We grieve what could be

What may never be

We grieve the memories that were never created

But push, we push through

We organize

We decolonize

We continue to hold space and demand accountability

We work without rest

“No one is ever transported to a perfect world where all problems are solved, where the past is over, and where the future is all sweet perfection neatly organized according to nicely-sounding-on-paper rules” (Gordon & Davis, 2004, p. 196).

What if we started from the space beyond this, like imagining it, living it, and bringing it to life.

Yet in the rooms the guide was irrelevant, the gods woke up and we felt pity for them, and affection and love; they felt happy for us, we were still alive.

(Brand, 2017)

(What is accountability then)

This shift occurred when we were challenged by our academic advisor by the question, “What are y’all doing in the place that y’all are in?” We had our mind fixated on the space that we yearned for within our academic experiences and just in life in general to navigate and process our location, when we were girl and teen. We shifted from this mystical space that we wanted to create, to looking at our current location to address current needs.²

Yes, we are still alive we said.

(Brand, 2017)

in light of the backwardness of having to find ways to exist when we are already here

(Tesfaye, 2019)

There are too many moments where we surveil our bodies

Black bodies in space

Negotiating kinship and power

Black bodies surveilled

In space

Hold space

Code switch

We ain’t playin wit you

We sit with

Sit wit

We

Our

Selves

memories

histories

locations

bodies

trauma

Being in a position or location where we as BLACKETY-BLACK-BLACK art therapists have to navigate the same systems as the Communities we work for. Locations that position us from an outsider-within social location (as cited in Collins, 2009).

Holding an outsider-within social location, there are moments that occur that make us feel like, “What are we doing here?” “Are we supposed to be here?”

We meet for the first time

In the waiting room

You were waiting for us

And I was waiting for you

You see us and we see you

Sometimes with looks of surprise

Sometimes with looks of relief

Sometimes with looks of suspicion

Or all three simultaneously

(Is this where self-preservation comes into play?)

I wonder how we break the tension

Sometimes

You look at me and say hello

Sometimes

I look at you and say hello

Sometimes

So

I wonder what it would be like if we talked it out instead

You make another popsicle stick heart and

We pretend that we both definitely don't know that

You and I are the only black women here³

(Is this where self-preservation comes into play?)

You are still alive, they said. Yes we are still alive. They looked at us like violet; like violet teas they drank us. We said here we are. They said, you are still alive. We said, yes, yes we are still alive. How lemon, they said, how blue like fortune.

(Brand, 2017)

“Are you sure, sweetheart, that you want to be well?… Just so’s you’re sure, sweetheart, and ready to be healed, cause wholeness is no trifling matter. A lot of weight when you’re well” (Bambara, 1992).

They said with wonder and admiration, you are still alive, like hydrogen, like oxygen,

We stood there for some infinite time. We did weep, but that is nothing in comparison.

(Brand, 2017)

We rage often

You may see it, you may not

What’s up?

It says hello often often

What’s up?

Our children were taken away

What’s up?

We have a history of abuse

What’s up?

We write petitions

What’s up?

We are Black

Black rage, we rage Blackly

We organize, we rage

We set boundaries, we rage

We demand that our needs be met, we rage

“Per my previous email,” we rage

We grieve, we rage

We do other people’s labor, we rage

We hold space for each other, we rage

We cry, we rage

Is our labor only meant to fulfill a capitalist structure? What are we doing in the place that we are? Are we here to merely be underpaid, overworked, and under resourced? How do we apply community care practices to systems that thrive on individualistic approaches? We told ourselves when we graduated from school that we no longer wanted our starting point to be whiteness or critiquing whiteness. We work collectively to create experiential spaces, participate in collective-reflectivity, we write petitions, we make curriculums, and we honor our bill of rights.

…….the relational navigation that occurs in the therapy room.

Reflections from December 6, 2019:

Sometimes crying feels like the response our body needs, but most of the time all we can feel are the emotions welling and stirring up inside of us. How old are you? How do you stay so positive with all that you do? We honestly don’t know. We don’t know how we hold it all together. We have the secret wish that we could let the neatly tied bow unloose and let all the pieces scatter about. Sometimes we wish we could just be someone for us and not for anyone else. We get so frustrated with our body’s betrayal. We think that we’re happy and that things are going well in our life. Our body is not matching how we feel.

I need trust

I need rest

I need affirmation

(Amaral, 2019a)

D. Swan: I think that’s the y’allism.

Kuumba: Yea

D. Swan: Y’all get it. And I get what you're saying. When people are like …

(Amaral, 2019b, p. 8)

Black girl do you want to be free?